So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
