he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
