did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
