My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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