I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
