Your favorite bartender is back from prision
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize