Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
