just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
