i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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