i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just invented taco cereal.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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