dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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