Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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