if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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