Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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