I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
