I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
