Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
