You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
