She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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