Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
