Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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