I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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