when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
