her vagine was all disorganized.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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