Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
