Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
