im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
