I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
