I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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