He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
