Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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