Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
