I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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