A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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