What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize