doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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