why do cheetos always look like penises
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
