Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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