All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
