He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
