you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
