Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
