Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
