I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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