The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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