I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize