Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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