The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
