omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
