either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
birth control should be required to get into college
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
