Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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