one two three fourrrrnication!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
