Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
