be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
